My Second Confession

Today's the last day of school. We went to Six Flags. When we were about to leave, I gave him the letter... He should've read it by now, but he hasn't logged on yet, so I don't know if he's got anything to tell me. I'm paranoid... and depressed, I guess you could say. I found out from Nicole that he and Julie have been going out since yesterday... I should've expected it. I should've realized it. -sigh- Well, I've got nothing to do now. All I can possibly do is wait for tomorrow and let him tell me his reaction. Goodnight, everyone...

Renewal

-sigh- Life is good these past few days. I've been fixing my life and trying to be more open to people. It feels good. I feel like a new person. Well, there hasn't been drama as of yet, and I hope it stays that way. Well, anyways, yeah. I can smile freely and genuinely now. =) So... I'm gonna go now. I have to finish up my packing because I'm leaving for Catalina Island (gonna be there for 4 days!) in 6 hours! Eep! Bye~!

Unbelievable

I can't believe this... just this previous school week, I've cried quite a number of times. IN SCHOOL. IN FRONT OF PEOPLE. It's just...unbelievable. I rarely ever do that... even if I forced myself to, it rarely ever happened that I'd cry in front of such people, most especially my friends. My gosh. I've become a lot more emotional than I thought. Tch. I blame HIM for all of this. I've only started becoming emotional recently, that being the end of 2007-beginning of 2008, and guess what? That's around the time we became close. Tch. Great. Yet another reason to hate myself. I preferred my inhumane self to this; preferred the one who faked her emotions and let no one in. But no. He had to change all that, damn it. Sure, sure. I know what you're all thinking. 'Isn't that supposed to be good? That you're becoming more open and everything and that you can actually feel a lot more now?' I know you all think that's a good thing. Well, if you do, then I guess you also think that being so depressed that you've thought about committing suicide or just let yourself waste away is also good. Yeah. That's how depressed I've been. It was better for me when I faked my emotions, when I kept my distance from everyone else, and everything. Now, just because of one person, I've become more vulnerable, more depressed. Big whoop. If I'm not faking my emotions, then I must be crying or silent and spacing out. Yay. -.- You should have seen my friends' reactions. I felt as if they knew nothing about me at all, if they actually even noticed. Tch. Probably trying not to pry it out of me, but still. At these times, all I really need is to feel loved.

And to Ate Kitty and the rest: Tell no one about this, please. I don't need Grama and them jumping me to drag me to a psychiatrist or whatever. And I seriously don't want them to invade my personal life more than they already do. So yeah. Please? It's not as if I'd actually go with those plans. I'm not stupid, you know. I was just depressed during those moments. I'd just cry it all out anyways. Don't worry. Okay? IMPORTANT: If ever this gets to anyone else in the family, you guys can consider yourself disowned and dead to me.

Am I Making The Right Decision?

For the first time in the entirety of my lifetime, someone finally wants to know of my past, of the real me, why I am the way I am. It touches my heart so to know this, but still, even now, I'm still scared... how would he react when I tell him? Would his thinking of me change? For gosh sakes, what the hell is going to happen to my life once it's revealed?

Irony of Life

Masked Mistress. A name I've received and go by. It actually does suit me, you know. Why, you ask? Simple. Ever since I was young, when I was around 6 or 7 years old, things started happening to me. That's when my life started going wrong. They only came on occasions, the drama and stuff, but as I got older, they came more and more frequently. As a result of my life going awry, I've learned to hide behind a mask. Having had so many years of experience, it's become... a habit, I guess you could say. It's become attached to me in a way, but it's not the real me. It is me, but... not the real one. Some people have noticed that I seem so pensive, hesitant, and even cold and distant at times, but it's very rare for that to happen. No one's really been able to see through my mask; no one's really been able to tell whether or not I'm pretending, let alone when I'm actually showing them a bit of my true self. No one. At all. I'm the only one who knows what I'm hiding.

I'm guessing that right now, you're asking yourself, "What the heck does that got to do with the title?" Well, I'll tell you.

Two days ago, Tuesday, April 22, 2008, something happened. My best guy friend, "Jacob", was yelling at me... in MySpace, but yelling at me nonetheless. Remember my last blog? Well, yeah. That's why. About twice when we were talking through MySpace, he told me that I don't know the real him, that he's been holding back... that he can be "the most fucked up person in the world." A bit later on, when I could finally think clearly, I began to get curious. I suddenly wanted to know how he truly is, even though I do admit that I was somewhat scared. After all, I didn't really know what to expect. Anyways, I was curious to know the real him, even though I know I won't let him see the real me. That's what's so ironic about this entire thing:

Here I am, pretending to always be okay, pretending to feel emotions I'm not even feeling, acting as if I'm not void of emotions, just... pretending to be someone I'm not. And yet... here I am, wanting to see who he really is, the person he's been keeping deep within him, always and only to himself.

It's All My Fault

I feel so cruel... I shouldn't have told her what he said about her and Kimmy. Now everything's gone awry between them. She, the one he "loves", is going to ignore him now, and he got depressed when I told him her reaction. I should never have told her in the first place. I just hurt two of the people I care about. Well, she was offended when she found out, and yeah... he's hurt inside... This is all my fault. I should never have told her. How am I ever going to be able to face him? Without breaking down, that is. I don't know how I can possibly even focus on the big tests tomorrow. Ugh! I feel so guilty... This is all my fault.

Expressing My Emotions

Yesterday, I told him the truth, that I actually still liked him. Oddly enough, that same day, I actually felt so depressed about the entire thing that I started expressing it via FanFiction. I began to write a story about how I felt, but still making it a fictional story. Somehow, it just enlightens me, writing. That's why it's one of my few sanctuaries. -sigh- But... it still hurts. Whatever I do, the pain never ceases to haunt me day after day. I wish I can just wake up from this nightmare, this nightmare where I fell in love with him. Too bad it's reality and not a figment of my morbid imagination. Damn...

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4196240/1/Platonic_Love_v_Romantic_Love