Welcome to My So-Called Life: Chaotic Sorrow

My Second Confession

2008-06-04T18:14:00.000-07:00

Today's the last day of school. We went to Six Flags. When we were about to leave, I gave him the letter... He should've read it by now, but he hasn't logged on yet, so I don't know if he's got anything to tell me. I'm paranoid... and depressed, I guess you could say. I found out from Nicole that he and Julie have been going out since yesterday... I should've expected it. I should've realized it. -sigh- Well, I've got nothing to do now. All I can possibly do is wait for tomorrow and let him tell me his reaction. Goodnight, everyone...

Renewal

2008-05-18T17:26:00.000-07:00

-sigh- Life is good these past few days. I've been fixing my life and trying to be more open to people. It feels good. I feel like a new person. Well, there hasn't been drama as of yet, and I hope it stays that way. Well, anyways, yeah. I can smile freely and genuinely now. =) So... I'm gonna go now. I have to finish up my packing because I'm leaving for Catalina Island (gonna be there for 4 days!) in 6 hours! Eep! Bye~!

Unbelievable

2008-05-11T22:09:00.000-07:00

I can't believe this... just this previous school week, I've cried quite a number of times. IN SCHOOL. IN FRONT OF PEOPLE. It's just...unbelievable. I rarely ever do that... even if I forced myself to, it rarely ever happened that I'd cry in front of such people, most especially my friends. My gosh. I've become a lot more emotional than I thought. Tch. I blame HIM for all of this. I've only started becoming emotional recently, that being the end of 2007-beginning of 2008, and guess what? That's around the time we became close. Tch. Great. Yet another reason to hate myself. I preferred my inhumane self to this; preferred the one who faked her emotions and let no one in. But no. He had to change all that, damn it. Sure, sure. I know what you're all thinking. 'Isn't that supposed to be good? That you're becoming more open and everything and that you can actually feel a lot more now?' I know you all think that's a good thing. Well, if you do, then I guess you also think that being so depressed that you've thought about committing suicide or just let yourself waste away is also good. Yeah. That's how depressed I've been. It was better for me when I faked my emotions, when I kept my distance from everyone else, and everything. Now, just because of one person, I've become more vulnerable, more depressed. Big whoop. If I'm not faking my emotions, then I must be crying or silent and spacing out. Yay. -.- You should have seen my friends' reactions. I felt as if they knew nothing about me at all, if they actually even noticed. Tch. Probably trying not to pry it out of me, but still. At these times, all I really need is to feel loved.

And to Ate Kitty and the rest: Tell no one about this, please. I don't need Grama and them jumping me to drag me to a psychiatrist or whatever. And I seriously don't want them to invade my personal life more than they already do. So yeah. Please? It's not as if I'd actually go with those plans. I'm not stupid, you know. I was just depressed during those moments. I'd just cry it all out anyways. Don't worry. Okay? IMPORTANT: If ever this gets to anyone else in the family, you guys can consider yourself disowned and dead to me.

Am I Making The Right Decision?

2008-04-30T02:00:00.000-07:00

For the first time in the entirety of my lifetime, someone finally wants to know of my past, of the real me, why I am the way I am. It touches my heart so to know this, but still, even now, I'm still scared... how would he react when I tell him? Would his thinking of me change? For gosh sakes, what the hell is going to happen to my life once it's revealed?

Irony of Life

2008-04-24T17:53:00.000-07:00

Masked Mistress. A name I've received and go by. It actually does suit me, you know. Why, you ask? Simple. Ever since I was young, when I was around 6 or 7 years old, things started happening to me. That's when my life started going wrong. They only came on occasions, the drama and stuff, but as I got older, they came more and more frequently. As a result of my life going awry, I've learned to hide behind a mask. Having had so many years of experience, it's become... a habit, I guess you could say. It's become attached to me in a way, but it's not the real me. It is me, but... not the real one. Some people have noticed that I seem so pensive, hesitant, and even cold and distant at times, but it's very rare for that to happen. No one's really been able to see through my mask; no one's really been able to tell whether or not I'm pretending, let alone when I'm actually showing them a bit of my true self. No one. At all. I'm the only one who knows what I'm hiding.

I'm guessing that right now, you're asking yourself, "What the heck does that got to do with the title?" Well, I'll tell you.

Two days ago, Tuesday, April 22, 2008, something happened. My best guy friend, "Jacob", was yelling at me... in MySpace, but yelling at me nonetheless. Remember my last blog? Well, yeah. That's why. About twice when we were talking through MySpace, he told me that I don't know the real him, that he's been holding back... that he can be "the most fucked up person in the world." A bit later on, when I could finally think clearly, I began to get curious. I suddenly wanted to know how he truly is, even though I do admit that I was somewhat scared. After all, I didn't really know what to expect. Anyways, I was curious to know the real him, even though I know I won't let him see the real me. That's what's so ironic about this entire thing:

Here I am, pretending to always be okay, pretending to feel emotions I'm not even feeling, acting as if I'm not void of emotions, just... pretending to be someone I'm not. And yet... here I am, wanting to see who he really is, the person he's been keeping deep within him, always and only to himself.

It's All My Fault

2008-04-21T16:37:00.000-07:00

I feel so cruel... I shouldn't have told her what he said about her and Kimmy. Now everything's gone awry between them. She, the one he "loves", is going to ignore him now, and he got depressed when I told him her reaction. I should never have told her in the first place. I just hurt two of the people I care about. Well, she was offended when she found out, and yeah... he's hurt inside... This is all my fault. I should never have told her. How am I ever going to be able to face him? Without breaking down, that is. I don't know how I can possibly even focus on the big tests tomorrow. Ugh! I feel so guilty... This is all my fault.

Expressing My Emotions

2008-04-15T15:57:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I told him the truth, that I actually still liked him. Oddly enough, that same day, I actually felt so depressed about the entire thing that I started expressing it via FanFiction. I began to write a story about how I felt, but still making it a fictional story. Somehow, it just enlightens me, writing. That's why it's one of my few sanctuaries. -sigh- But... it still hurts. Whatever I do, the pain never ceases to haunt me day after day. I wish I can just wake up from this nightmare, this nightmare where I fell in love with him. Too bad it's reality and not a figment of my morbid imagination. Damn...

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4196240/1/Platonic_Love_v_Romantic_Love

The Truth Underneath All The Lies

2008-04-13T18:41:00.000-07:00

I've said for so long that I wasn't heartbroken, and I actually convinced people. I put up such a good front that people stopped pressing the issue. But really, they were right. I was and still am heartbroken.

Three days ago, April 10, Friday, at about 4:15 PM, I told him that I no longer felt the way I did. At first, I myself believed it to be true, until today when the feeling smashed back into me. It hurts, yes, and I hate it.

Love hurts like a bitch, and I know it.
That's why I've grown to hate it ever since a few months ago, last year.

I'll continually lie about it, and people will keep believing me, and I'll remain depressed over such a stupid thing like this.

Who the hell invented this emotion?!

Confession

2008-04-03T14:20:00.000-07:00

This is my note to him:

Mixed thoughts and mixed emotions
I try to think, but my mind produces no conclusions
Within me lies the feelings I've tried so hard to hide
And it pains me so much that I'd rather have died
My eyes tearing up and tears threatening to spill
I don't think I can continue on; I've had my fill
So I'll just tell you now, and I'll tell it true
I never asked for this, but I love you

I know that you only like me as a friend, and I'm totally fine with that. That's the way I want it to be. Honestly, I don't know why now. =/ And I'm not gonna say that other part because your head's already big enough as it is... figuratively, you dork. =P

Chris[telle]

P.S.
You love Julie, don't you?! O.O I knew it! O.O When you were all telling her to read that note or whatever it was only when she was alone or whatever, it was totally obvious what it was about! O.O

P.P.S.
(I don't quite remember what I had in here word for word, but I was merely telling him to destroy the damn letter, because he ALWAYS keeps it and carry them around... I know. He's done it with my last one and all of my friends' letters too....)

Then, a while ago, I received a message from him on MySpace (I'll just tell you the entire convo):

Him:
i read the note...and yeah im sorry...but its nice to know though...to tell you the truth....i dont really klnow what to say...but the only thing i know i could say is that im sorry

Me:
Sorry for what??? @.@ -not going with the bombardment of "Sorry for...?" plan because it's embarrassing- ....... >.<

Oh, and by the ways, Jewels was gonna give you the poem today, but I don't know what happened, and she didn't, so I think she's gonna give it to you tomorrow... -dizzy-

P.S.
I feel like an interference.......... Jewels is feeling guilty because I supposedly like you more, and you like her and not me, and I feel guilty because she's feeling guilty and because I feel like I'm coming between you guys....

P.P.S.
Did that make sense???

Him:
alrite...Christelle...honestly....i just want to be friends....i understand that yah...but actually i was thinking that we could take it up a step and be two people who could tell eachother about their problems and secrets...those kinds of friends....i hope that you understand that what i feel about you is different than what i feel about Julie....and i hope that we could close friends

Me:
Where the heck did you get the "what i feel about you is different than what i feel about Julie"??? Because I don't remember saying anything that could lead to that.... >.< But yeah, I know. I think that was like, -thinks- the first sentence after the poem or something... I think... I'm not sure. But yeah, I totally understand, and that's the way I wanted it to be, remember? -rolls eyes- Derr. Dork. Hey! Did you know that dork means "a whale's penis"?? -rotflmao- Nicole told me that that was what it meant. Hahaha. That was pretty disturbing... hehehehehe... Where was I again??? Oh right. Anyways, it's... kinda weird telling a guy about my problems though.... >.< But sure. Fine. Whatever. =P

AND YOU DIDN'T ANSWER WHAT YOU WERE SORRY FOR!!!!!

Him:
oh im sorry cuz ididnt want you to take that the wrong...and Christelle! you have way to many people to care for....so then i can be there to care for you when you need help...ok...promise? and the whales penis was totally unexpected

Me:
Yes, that whale's penis thing was completely, undeniably unexpected. I always thought it just meant you have social issues...

The wrong way? Take what the wrong way? -scratches head-

I actually care about everybody, but I'm only like, totally affected by something when it involves someone that I TOTALLY care about, aka people that are close to me, like Nicole, Julie, Lyia, and everybody. So yeah.

Anyways, where was I?? Oh, right. -talkative and random because of soda... yay sugar!!!-

Sure, sure. Whatever. -waves you away- Promise. There. Happy? =P

CHOCOLATES!!! -gasp- I STILL NEED TO BUY YOUR PRESENT! OH HOLY MOTHERFLIPPIN' SHOOT! >.<

Him:
HAHA..oh shoot my Bdays comin up....i forgot

Me:
TAKE WHAT THE WRONG WAY???

AND YEAH... I KEEP FORGETTING TOO... THEN I'D REMEMBER AGAIN... >.<

YAY CAPS LOCK!!!! >.< HAHAHAHA.

Him:
no cuz when i told jenella the same thing she kinda got sad and i did not want that to happen to you...please dont kill me...pplease

And the rest have nothing at all to do with it, so I'm not gonna bother with that.
One of his messages got me SLIGHTLY sad though.
But only a little, and I got over it pretty quickly.
And yes, the messages are copied-and-pasted.
I just italicized them.

Bwisit Ang Buhay Ko

2008-04-01T15:42:00.000-07:00

Hay naku... sobrang daming drama ng buhay. May gusto ako sa matalik kong kaibigan na may gusto naman sa isa kong matalik na kaibigan din. Malungkot ako, pero masaya naman para sa kaibigan ko. Siya naman, parang hindi na alam kung anong gagawin niya tungkol dun sa gusto naming dalawa. Hay naku... pakiramdam ko na gagawin ko nanaman yung ginawa ko sa lalaking gusto ko nung ilang linggo lang makalipas. Alam ko na sasaktan ko lang kaming dalawa... pero talagang 'di ko na alam kung anong gagawin ko eh. Muntik na nga akong umiyak nung 5th period eh. Haayyy... I can already imagine yung sakit, pati na yung mangyayari. Gahhh.... sasabihin ko ba, para matapos na itong lahat, o hindi, kasi baka mawala ang pagiging mag-kaibigan naming dalawa? ARRRGGHHH!!! Nakakabwisit 'to! Limang linggo na akong malungkot dahil sa kanya noh! Gahhh..... Bwisit talaga!!! Talagang 'di ko na alam kung anong gagawin ko!!

My Final Decision

2008-03-25T13:17:00.000-07:00

-sigh- I changed my mind. After I saw him again today and everything... I don't think I can do that. -sigh- I'd rather hurt myself than risk hurting those I care about... and I don't want to lose him either. I'll just keep pretending as if these feelings of mine didn't and doesn't exist. I know that it will hurt me, but the risk of him avoiding me and/or the risk of losing his friendship... that would just hurt me even more. I've had to live through that once already, and I don't think I can live through that nightmare once more. -sigh-

Doomsday Looms Near

2008-03-23T20:14:00.000-07:00

I've decided a few days ago... I'm going to tell him on Friday... if I still like him, that is. I really don't know which is hurting me more right now... and I think that he has a right to know, right? -sigh- Stupid morals... why do I always have to be a logical and rational person? Damn me. But... what's keeping me hesitant is... the thought that in doing so, I'd be risking what we have right now and losing it... I don't want that to happen either... I feel like crying just thinking about it... Will things become awkward with us? Will it remain the same? Will we... ugh. All of these "will..." questions depress me. Maybe it's just that I'm such a pessimistic person, but I kind of think that things might turn out badly... but at the same time, I feel as if I'd explode if I don't do this. -sigh- Complicated, me. -sigh- This cereally sucks. Well, high chance I'd chicken out or something. -shrug- I myself wonder what will happen now.

Have You Ever...?

2008-03-22T01:18:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking so much about this that I can hardly sleep normally these days. Or more like, I can hardly sleep normally these days that I've been thinking so much about this. Even right now, 1:20 AM, I'm still wide awake, thinking about him... thinking about what I should do. It wounds my heart so badly, all of this. -sigh- I've been going paranoid what with my boggled mind and mixed emotions. Sometimes I'd rather be void of all emotion than this... ugh... -massages temples- My head aches so badly, though not nearly as bad as my heart, from thinking about this so much.

"Have you ever loved somebody so much, it makes you cry?" - Westlife

Me? Yes. Because I know that it would be pointless to tell him. It would only hurt me more. I'm hurting badly enough right now. I'm not sure if I can take anything worse than this... I wish things didn't have to be like this. I wish life didn't have to be like this. -sigh-

Well, typing this up helps lighten the burden in my heart, though it's only so slightly. If you're reading this, I thank you. =) At least I know that you care. =)

The Guardian Angel Falling For The Sun That It Protects

2008-03-20T18:13:00.000-07:00

Ahhhh... I don't like fancying guys. Especially when two of my friends – one of them a best friend – like the guy too. Let's call him J.B. (Jacob Black of the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer). And yes, he's actually my personal sun, like how he's Bella's. He's the perfect guy. Well... nearly. He has this thing for being blunt and to-the-point, which is exactly how he hurt 2 of my best friends – one of them is now over him... somewhat. Anyways, yeah. I really, really like him, and I kind of want to tell him, but I'd feel as if I'm betraying my friends. Not only that, but what if my confession destroys our friendship? I've already gone through 2 straight weeks of depression without his friendship because I couldn't stand being his friend during that time period – thoughts of the pain my friends must have gone through because of him haunted me and I couldn't take it – and I don't want that to happen anymore. At first, I admit, I've always thought that he was just my best friend, my little brother, but I realized a few days ago that he was a lot more to me than that. I realized that I actually had feelings for him... but... I really don't know what to do. -sigh- He has captured my heart without my knowing, and I now feel the pain, trying to break free of the hook he has caught me with.

This is a poem I wrote for him in response to the question we both had to answer (revealed in poem):

Your friendship so happens to be
One of my few prized possessions.
But why that is and what I think of you,
Until now, I never actually asked myself those questions.

So here I sit; so here I think.
What are you to me that makes you so important?
So here I lay; so here I write.
This is my current answer, though it’s more blatant rather than brilliant:

You are the sun that lights up my life;
I am the angel that guards yours.
You are the water, the waves, that slowly calms
When it meets my sandy shores.

Our bond so thick and strong,
The chance of it ever breaking is zero.
We’re holding on to it so tightly,
And there’s no way that we’d let go.

You are my dazzlingly bright sun;
I am your guardian demon.
Such an unusual duo, we two,
Can you think of another that’s more uncommon?

Without you, life is dull;
It’s like the world turned black-and-white.
It’s like the sun just suddenly burned out,
And it’s always so dark, not a single peep of light.

But you’re here, still shining brightly,
Bringing joy to me and everyone else,
And if anyone even dares to think about putting you out,
You’d be sure to find in their dead body, bullet shells.

I don’t know what I’d do if I were to lose you;
I’d probably go insane.
Life full of boredom would be waiting for me,
As well as a life full of pain.

Is this why you’re so important to me?
I don’t really know.
Even with all this, I’m still unsure of the true answer.
All I can really tell you is that you’re my one of my bestest friends,
I care about you as much as I care about my other bff’s,
And that I don’t ever want to lose you,
For that would be like an eclipse on my life.